Be strong and courageous. It can't be that hard...can it?
strong: not easily disturbed, upset, or affected by hardship//firmly established
courageous: not deterred by danger or pain//brave
Okay, looking at the definitions, maybe it can be that hard. The first year without Tanner...happened and that's all I can say about it because I don't remember much. It was hard, of course using the word "hard" loosely is an attempt to put it into words. Maybe a different H word would describe it better...hell maybe?
Joshua 1:9 is Tanner's confirmation verse, we had it put on bracelets for family and friends after he died. I wear his confirmation bracelet every day (dual purpose, I have part of him with me, and it reminds me BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS). It has his name on the outside and be strong and courageous on the inside.
Lately, I've been anything but strong and courageous. Lately its been a lot of "Hannah is falling and terrified." But...we're moving forward. Hard days still come don't get me wrong, I still get knocked on my ass by the hurt some days. But, it's easier for me to get myself up and push forward now. The last couple weeks have kind of kept me down and another huge blow is coming next week, our birthday. I'm going to be turning 20 and he's still going to be 18. It almost doesn't seem fair...it's not fair. To be honest, I've been trying to convince myself my birthday just doesn't exist but that idea doesn't stay too long once you start talking to people...apparently birthdays are important. But, how do I celebrate OUR birthday without him? It's not going to be easy, nothing is anymore.
I wouldn't consider myself strong at this point, I just don't feel it but my faith is. Courageous is a stretch for me most days...I'm terrified but with God by my side I know this pain isn't forever.
I have learned lessons on my walk down the path God has given me. It's okay to need to fall back on something. It is okay to be lost. It's okay to ask for a hug. It's okay to cry. It's more than acceptable to not be who you once were, change is okay. It's okay to lose people, even if they promised to be there...people can fall short. It's okay to need help, people really do want to help you. It's okay to not be where you expected to be. It's okay to not be okay. God is still with me, and because of Him, through it all, I can be strong and courageous.
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