okay, okay so I know its been awhile. And I can't even say I've been busy...I've just been...not doing this, I don't know whatever excuse I have it would be BS anyway. I just haven't wanted to look at this side of my emotions because...I've been happy. I have been so genuinely happy and content in my life. I have been quietly healing in a way I never thought I would because grief...man that's a life sentence.
The second time around everything seemed to hurt more. Pheasant season, deer season, the two year anniversary, our 21st birthday...shit that was a hard one. But I did it, it wasn't fun but I did it. I had my friends supporting me, my family backing me, and my boyfriend by my side. My support is always phenomenal and it always will be, but this is frickin hard sometimes and if I had the option not to do it, I wouldn't. But here I am, stuck on the path that I never woulda picked for myself but God shoved me on. And sometimes it feels like He threw me on a path, turned off the sun, blind folded me, and then made me spin in a circle a bunch of times so I don't even know what way is up. I am stuck with a life sentence of a crazy path that apparently has an on and off switch for the sun because it can get pretty dark.
It's a life sentence of figuring out what is off limits for me now cause somethings I just can't do without my best friend. I found it this summer. Camping. I was so excited to go a couple weeks ago, we just got a camper and we did it so much growing up. But I got there, and set up the tent like Tanner and I used to do, even if it was just in the backyard for the night for fun, and I hated it. It wasn't fun anymore. It never will be fun again. I just can't do it...riding your bike around the campsite isn't fun when you aren't racing anyone down the hill. You can't play baseball by yourself. And sleeping under the stars isn't the same when the person who's supposed to be next to you saying "ha those stars over there look like a..." (fill in the blank you all know what he was saying) is one of the stars staring back at you.
It's a life sentence of having to welcome people to the shittiest club in the whole world of "I lost my sibling now what". A life sentence of saying "hey buddy you think our bros are bros up in heaven?" A life sentence of having to remind someone who's going through the same shit you have to that days when the sun turns on do come around eventually. But it's a lot harder with a fresh wound. My wound reopened recently when I got a call from my friend Hector at 12:30 in the morning that his little brother passed away. He called me because he needed someone to try and help him make sense of it, someone to tell him it was going to be okay, someone who understood. I made it through the phone call, but I didn't have answers for him. We hung up because he was getting ready to leave to catch the next flight home and I lost it. I could be strong for him when he needed me to be but after he couldn't hear my screams anymore I lost it. I cried while Michael held me for at least an hour. I was crying because I hurt all over again and now someone I care about a lot is suddenly on my path with me for no reason. I wish I could've had answers for you my dear buddy, but I don't. I never will. I don't know why God took our brothers...I never will. I don't know why it hurts so much, I don't know how to turn it off, and when God turns off the sun, I don't know how to turn it back on.
But this is also a life sentence of knowing God does turn that light back on for us. It can be a dark path for a long time sometimes, but God turns the light on. I have come to realize I can't do it myself because He has the switch, He's in control. He has the answers to the things I will never understand, so I will always continue to trust that and when I have to... I will walk in the dark until He flips the sun back on.
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