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Hannah

summer lessons

The pressure coming from myself comes so much harder during the summer. I compare myself to others, why am I not doing okay as some other people? Why can't I deal with it today? Grief is overwhelming, it's a battle that honestly becomes exhausting sometimes. Some days, this summer killed. And of course with everything I did there was that never ending voice saying "ouch you should be here" but I did it. I did summer. I personally think I kicked summer's ass. I've been able to open up this summer. I've began being comfortable enough to talk about my screwed up life to actual real life people and not just through this stupid computer screen. This new confidence with my own vulnerability led me to some places I never thought I'd be. Opening up to new people and sharing my comfortableness with a complete stranger who quickly became one of my best friends.


Opening up to new people used to be hard for me but not so much anymore. My life is a story I'll never be afraid to talk about again. I went to Minneapolis for my third National Youth Gathering where I sat through some very hard messages and had one of the most eye opening conversations with my friend Megan. It was probably around 3AM one night. We had spent hours already talking about my shitty life, her shitty life and everything in between when she said something that will stick with me for awhile, "no one else is feeling it like you are, no one lost the same person you did." And just like that, something clicked...wow I don't have to know where I'm at because I don't have to compare my progress to anyone. My grief...is my grief and no one else's. It's okay for me to wake up and think my life sucks sometimes because honestly, it does. And with me admitting that she said something I didn't know I needed to hear, "Hannah, I'm proud of how you're making it." In case you guys were wondering, that goes a lot farther then telling me it'll all be okay.


Now...on to my new best friend. I wish I didn't have to say it but we became best friends because both of us are part of the shittiest club in the world. When I first found out there was someone else that was about to go through the same thing I am, my heart hurt, it actually shattered...for someone I didn't even knew. Because I lost my brother, someone losing their's 6 months later, the hurt started all over me because someone else was feeling it too, the hurt from the loss of a brother. My parents had sent the family a letter saying that we were praying for them because well...we understood. I took this as an opportunity to reach out too, I thought about it...for the longest time like 3 frickin months. It's terrifying, how do you do it without sounding like everyone else, "hey my parents sent your parents a letter, I don't know if they told you, anyway I know what you're going through and I'm here to talk if you need it." Good one Hannah...*face palm*. "I heard about the letter, it means a lot. Thank you!" Thanks for that one Mack, I know that response...it's the leave me alone I hate my life response, been there done that. Come to think of it, I don't really know how we ever got out of the cliche part of grieving but we did (thank God). Having someone else who gets it, helps. Having someone else to be pissed at the world with, helps. We can bring our bad days to each other, and confidently say "yeah dude, our lives suck but we got this." We can always turn each other around, pick each other up, and I swear she's got my back more than some of my friends and family I've known my entire life.


This summer was hard, summers will always be hard. God can use hard as a lesson. And yeah, maybe it's not the lesson I wanted at age 20 but it's the lesson I'm getting. Blessings can shine through even when you (or everyone around you) is broken. God showed me this summer that vulnerability can lead to confidence (ha never thought I'd see that). God works in weird ways. Loss doesn't have to be a road of darkness, He doesn't believe in that. He can lay out little lights for you along this path, a path He promises you'll never have to walk alone. My road used to feel pretty dark, it still does some days. But it's in the little things I've learned this summer that the light is beginning to shine through for me more. Sure I'll never be "okay" but Mack said it best "Really, I'm doing okay...kinda" and this summer taught me to be okay with that.

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