To tell you the truth, grief is weird. My brother has been gone for almost nine months and I don't think I have experienced a day that was like the one before. Every day presents it's challenges and every day comes with victories(no matter how small they are)...if you can call them that. I find a memory in different things every day and sometimes it hurts more than others. Some days I think I'm doing okay...sometimes I feel like I'm doing too okay. Then the next day, I see everyone around me going about their normal days and I'm stuck thinking "How can you possibly be okay after everything?" So yeah...grief is weird.
It sucks. Grief sucks. Missing someone you shouldn't need to be missing sucks. I still get excited to tell him things, talk hunting with him, or show him the newest piano song I learned (of course, he'd complain about the second time hearing me play it that I play it "way too much" but we all know he loved it). And it's hard not to call him to tell him the little things I used to feel the need to. The suckiest part of it all...looking to a future where he isn't next to me and before you hit me with the cliche of "oh don't say that, he will always be with you" hear me out please. My future consisted of me watching him graduate in May, him watching me graduate two years later, laughing as he played "tough older brother" when I brought a guy home for Christmas, looking at him tear up as I walked down the aisle, getting to be the coolest aunt to his kids...Tanner was my literal day one, he was my best friend...twin bonds are weird trust me. We weren't going to have a future where the other one wasn't in it. Yes, he will always be with me, but he won't be next to me, and that's what I saw and having to look at it differently seems impossible.
In all honesty, grief truly is one of the worst things anyone will ever have to deal with. It's a crazy, unpredictable monster. It never hits you the same way, some days are better than others. And the bad days (though they've been coming less often), still hurt like hell. They always will. But my faith gets me through it. And so often on bad days I find myself (through sobs) asking whoever is hugging me, "How does someone who doesn't know God get through this?" Because if I didn't have my faith, I don't think I would be as "okay" as I am now. The greatest thing I have learned in the last nine months...there is no monster you will face in life that God won't help you fight. He will always be with you whether it is Him holding you up, pushing you forward, or walking in front you kicking the grief monster's ass for the day because you just don't have the strength to do it anymore. The realest truth I've received in the last nine months? God>grief.
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