Happy summer or winter or whatever season it is right now in South Dakota. This is now my second summer without my best friend and it's hitting a little bit harder than last summer because I don't think I'm as numb to it all anymore. I have more time to think because I work mornings now (alone) and then come home to a night that should've been full of fishing or playing video games. It hurts...a lot. The stress that comes being a farming family is already enough this season and then throw this on top of it. I'll admit it, I'm not always doing the best. Maybe it's the weather or maybe it's the giant hole in my heart, I can't really tell, but I figured I'd be honest, summer is the hardest part for me and I think it always will be. At school, I don't have to think about it as much, don't get me wrong, I always think about Tanner...but at school it isn't the fact that he's gone. When I'm down at school it's like I can run away from it (or I can at least run to someone that will just let me cry) I don't have to think about it because I don't have constant reminders. At home, there is a memory around every corner, and every thought can be traced back to him somehow. The memories still hurt. I pray for the day that memories will stop knocking me on my ass but until then...here I am.
I'm at home now, fighting by myself. And no, that is not a knock on my family or my friends here so before you jump to that let me explain. My friends check up on me most of the time. They are all amazing. Most of my family (that's a different rant for another time) goes out of their way to check up on us. My parents are honestly the best people I know and I wish I wasn't watching them go through this with me. My grandparents do everything they can for me and I hate that they are with us on all of this. But, my mom has my dad to grieve with...they both lost a son. My grandma has my grandpa...they both lost a grandson. I have...me. No one else lost their twin...we grieve as a family, but they get the opportunity to grieve together as parents, as grandparents, and I...well here I am. But, it's kinda alright. I'm doing alright.
I thought saying "it's alright" was better than the cliche "it's okay to not be okay"...Anyway, I have accepted the fact that no matter how much we heal together as a family, I have a long ways to go by myself. I used to have Tanner to drag me through the shitty days but now...I have myself and I haven't quite figured out how to drag myself yet. But obviously, it's possible, God promises healing. I just need to get over the codependency that twins are born into. Wow, that makes it sound so easy, but I have a long ways to go...a long ways. But that's alright. I may not be doing the best, but what can you expect...for now I am just doing alright.
Being alright is something that I have, until recently, struggled with. I wanted to be better, I wanted to not hurt so much, I just wanted to be okay. But it took a conversation with myself and God to realize "being better" isn't really applicable. You can't just be better if you're missing half of you, you can't be okay when you look to a future that has a giant hole in it where your best friend should be, it will always hurt. But, I can be alright, alright in the sense of accepting that I can heal by myself because I am not really by myself. God is with me every step of the way, He understands the pain. (Spoiler: Our God is all knowing, so conveniently, I don't have to try to put into words my pain because He knows.) So as for right now, I'm alright and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
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