If you guys know me, you know I love to talk...very loud, about anything and everything, all of the time. It can even be hard to get me to shut up sometimes...or most of the time. But now, I don't have any words. There are no words to describe what I have to deal with or how I'm dealing with it and I can't even put a name on the emotions that I'm feeling. Hannah, at a loss for words? Crazy, I know. But I can't do it. Because it's here. Christmas. Is. Here. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of the year. The music. The love. The family time. Prime rib. JESUS. But the loss is overwhelming this year.
Christmas is here not just any Christmas, it's the first Christmas without my brother and it's sad. It's more than sad...even awful. What do you get your parents for Christmas when all they want is another moment with their son? What do you ask for when all you need is the strength to make it through the day? How do you enjoy a day when you've been praying for it to end before it began? I've been trying to find the answer to at least one of these questions all break but I couldn't figure it out. Too many memories and for now, the memories hurt (I know I'll cherish them someday) but for now they only bring tears. I've been dreading Christmas because from now on my memories that I create around the tree won't have Tanner in them and I'm not ready to have those memories. But I can't run from it. And it will happen whether I'm ready or not. It's a reality I wish I didn't have to face. It's a reality a lot of people face this year...and I pray for every single person who has to look at an empty spot at dinner today. Because it's an indescribable absence, because we all know whats missing and normally when something is off, someone has the words or means to fix it. Nothing can fix whats missing from us today.
Until last night, I was letting grief take away my Christmas too. I couldn't see how any bit of happiness was going to come out of this Christmas and so naturally, I was having a rough night. And one of my friends (bless her soul) said something that change my outlook: "Christmas is cool tho because Jesus came to the earth so that someday you get to see Tanner again." And really how cool is that, Jesus was sent to us, today, so that he live, die, AND rise again for us. His resurrection holds a promise that I will get to see my brother again and that promise is something we have to hold onto today (and everyday). That empty chair that I dreaded looking at is a reminder of this promise. There is joy for this promise even in all of the sorrow and tears today brings (it's hard to focus on but I promise it's there).
Promise in an empty chair because of the promise of the empty tomb. Hold onto that this Christmas.
I love that last line "promise in an empty chair because of the promise of the empty tomb". Have to cling to that promise to make it through each day.
Wish I could give you a hug. You have a beautiful heart and a gift of insight and the talent to express it so well. Your process and your writing are becoming a cordial to heal other hurting hearts....and spreading the fragrance of Jesus everywhere.