How refreshing, 2018 is over...it's finally over. It seems like that has been all you see on the internet the past couple days. People talking about how 2018 has been the "worst" year of their lives, they can't believe everything that happened to them, 2019 can only be a better year because 2018 was basically rock bottom for everyone according to Twitter...dramatic. But I can't claim to be much better...2018 was a long year.
The year full of many firsts without my brother, our first birthday apart since we were born, my first summer without someone to take me fishing when I don't want to go, my first time moving to NE without a banging country DJ sitting shotgun, my first group of new friends that will never get to meet him, Thanksgiving, Christmas, I even had to skin my own deer this year...a lot of (hard) firsts. We've also rang in almost every New Years together (my favorite being last year but that's a different story) and this year was the first one where he wasn't there. It's hard to even begin to understand.
But the biggest first is in motion now...the first year of my life where he won't be a part of it at all. There is not a single day in 2019 that we will be taking on together and coming to that realization it is by far the hardest "first" I'll need to get through...except this first lasts for 365 and man will it be a mess. There will be 365 days that I will be crudely aware of the fact this is the FIRST year Tanner never got to see and that sucks. It more than sucks, I can't even begin to explain it because I can't even understand it myself. It doesn't make sense to me, why is it something that hits so hard?
We're basically a week into the year (and some days, I've lost track...yay college!) and I've struggled every morning with this idea of a new year without my brother. But, while I was struggling to find an end to this post, it hit me. God sees my struggle every morning, He knows my pain. And every day He still provides me with endless love and support through family, friends, and even a complete stranger who has heard my story and unfortunately can relate. So though I face pain everyday, I also face His promise that He will never abandon me.
Every day will get a little easier through the support God has provided for me. It doesn't make the pain go away, it never will. The next 365 days will present a challenge, but everyday does and coupled with the pain is also a never ending love.
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