It's almost been a year. A whole year without you. It's getting harder, literally everyday. I can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't get out of bed. Can't even rock out to my music anymore. Can't make it through Praise without crying. Just so we're all on the same page here...I'm having a really hard time. Everything I do reminds me of you because I'm forced to think how much you would've loved it (or the lecture I would've gotten for doing it). You missed so much this year and it was so obvious to me, to mom and dad, to grandma and grandpa, to your friends...you weren't here but you would've loved every minute of it.
We've been doing our best to adapt in the year that you've missed, but it seems impossible (especially coming up on the anniversary). Not a day goes by that I don't relive it. In the silence of everyday I hear the phone call from pastor, I hear grandpa's voice crack when he talks to me. In the down time of everyday I see myself in that room with you, I see mom and dad holding each other up, I see your best friends standing behind your casket trying not to cry. Some day I'll be able to "remember the good times" as my roommate says, but right now...its that week and that week only going through my mind during the quiet parts of my day.
Coming up on the anniversary, I've began to realize that it doesn't get easier. But I've also come to realize that it doesn't have to get easier. I've actually been told by a sweet 93 year old lady who lost her brother 74 years ago that, "it doesn't get easier but you'll learn to handle it, I promise honey." I've been told by my pastor that it's going to be like going through life missing an arm...not easy but manageable, and I'm sure I'll get there. I know I'm healing and I know I'm growing...but I'm going to need to hit pause for the next month.
I'm actually almost convinced that there is a not a single way I'm going to get through this ...at least not alone. And let me tell you (as irrational as this sounds) I have felt alone since the day you left. Not because I don't have love here...I have plenty of it. My friends at CUNE are frickin amazing but you're supposed to be here (on FaceTime of course because you'd never come to Nebraska to see me) but you're supposed to be here...to talk me out of my dumb choices, to be my number one fan, to brag that you're done with school and I'm not, to help dad and grandpa on the farm, to bear hug mom, to have morning talks with grandma every day. You should be here and because you aren't...we all feel alone. Not like the abandoned alone...the lost alone.
I know I can't be abandoned, God promises that. But I sure am lost...and man do I miss you. This next month isn't going to be easy. We've almost seen a whole year that you haven't and it's hard to understand that there is a whole year that you've missed and its even harder to accept that the rest of my forever is going to be full of years you've missed. Everyday I thank God for the time we had, and I wish we would've had more. I miss you more than everyday.
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